The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

The original Universal monsters are some of my favorite movies in the world. "Dracula," "Frankenstein," "The Wolfman," "Creature from the Black Lagoon," "The Invisible Man" and "The Mummy." I have loved them for a long time, and are actually a large part of why I love film so much. I also love the remake of "The Mummy." Now, it may not be great looking back, but it was damn fun and when it came out it was the perfect blend of those old movies I loved and new big budget action movies and I ate it up. When I got it on VHS, I watched it no less than once a week for a very long time. I thought "The Mummy Returns" was pretty good until the scorpion king showed up (because of bad CGI). However, the commercials for this movie never did much for me (except when Fraser said, "Yea, same mummy. TWICE!" Brenden Fraser rocks). So, did this live up to my love of the first one?

Not even fucking close. I don't often like to refer to movies in simplistic terms or phrases, but this movie was retarded. Sorry if you are offended, but it is the only way to describe this movie. Almost every line in this movie is stupid and contrived, as if adding the word "mummy" to a sentence makes it funny. That or awkward sexual innuendo thrown between father and son, uncle and nephew, mother and son, and man and yak. Truthfully, you remember that charming comedy that was in the first one and lesser so in the 2nd? It is gone. Except for one scene at the beginning, which I will get to later. Even the way the movie unfolds is stupid.

The opening prologue, which takes forever by the way, is pretty much the exact same as the first "Mummy" except for the fact that we learn that Jet Li can control the elements (personal thought: when did wood become an element?) and he is the one that becomes the mummy. Then we see present day which is about 8 to 10 years from the second movie. Rick and Evie have it made because Evie has written books about their past experiences (which is actually supposed to be what we saw in the last two movies, because the Evie in the books are a "different person.") They are rich and seem to get interrupted anytime they try to get it on. Rick however, is not content with this lifestyle, always being the adventurer. Their son Alex has taken a cue from his parents and has gone excavating, but this time in China. Then, for some reason, Rick and Evie are sent to China to give somebody a stone, where they run into Alex. They get angry because they didn't know he had dropped out. Jonathan runs the night club the all meet in. They go to see Alex's latest dig. For some reason, a group wants to bring the emperor back to life... so they do with the stone the O'Connells brought (they had to bring it for some reason... I have no idea why). So now the O'Connells have to team up with two women who have eternal life and go to stop the Emperor. To stop him, they must have Yetis help them... and fuck this I stopped carrying once the yetis showed up (truly, the high point of the movie for me though. Simply for the fact that there were fucking YETIS in a mummy movie. With such lines as "Don't worry, the Yetis will help us." Awesome.) 

This movie movies from one convoluted set-piece to another. It also seems extremely bland as if we've seen most of these things in the other movies. Such as a giant fight in the sand between two ancient forces ("The Mummy Returns"), the street chase ("The Mummy"), and the initial finding of the tomb with the fight versus an ancient order to make sure the evil doesn't return ("The Mummy"). Truly, there are only 2 original set pieces in the movie and they both make no sense, but at the same time they are my favorite parts just because how laughably bad their placement in the film is: the Yeti's and Jet Li turning into a 3-headed dragon. None of it makes much sense, but it is damn hilarious and entertaining in a very cheesy way.

Another complaint about this movie is that it is just too long. Yes, this movie by quickly, but there was a moment in the movie where it literally hit me and I said "Damn... this movie is too long." This is should be about an hour and a half. Truthfully, they could have easily written out much of the beginning, because it takes forever for Jet Li to become the mummy. However, the other movies were about this long, so why does this drag?

Because none of the characters click at all. Not one of them. One of the most fun things about the first two is seeing the cast all bounce off each other with the great chemistry they had. However, they've re-cast two of the four O'Connells and the rest of the cast is just trying to get a hang of the English language. I think the thing that killed a lot of the chemistry is just how inconsistent these characters are with their counterparts in the first two. Alex is now a man, rather than a boy from "The Mummy Returns" but the thing is that somehow he has magically shifted his british accent (which made sense since they lived in England) to a brooklyn accent. I mean, that is just sloppy casting. I guess it can be explained by the fact that we were seeing the "fictionalized cheap" versions that Evie wrote in her books, but damn, this is the movie that seems like the cheap and fictionalized version. Speaking of Maria Bello, I have a notice to her: Do NOT ever do another British accent. It was terrible and the entire time you are spent with a strange goofy look on your face. Well, I will give you that if these films are supposed to be call backs to 1930 B-Films, then you nailed the acting. Perfectly.

Now, the one saving grace of this movie could be Brenden Fraser as Rick O'Connell. I'm sorry, but I'm in the "Brenden Fraser kicks ass!" club. His performance is the one consistent thing from the first two. However, he seems to be a bit run down in this film, but that is the character in this one. He also has the best scene in the film all to himself in the opening moments when his character is trying to fish and he gets frustrated and starts to use a gun. Perfect O'Connell moment. He can't escape the crappy script of this at times though as you can tell he just doesn't click with anybody but John Hannah who does the best with what he can here, but he is given the worst "comedic" lines in the entire thing. 

This movie could have been so much better and I would have LOVED to see this film take off into the direction it was originally intended for (O'Connell versus a different Universal monster in each movie). This is a big disappointment as it never delivers on the fun that the first two had, except for the moments where it delved into the "so bad its good" category. In fact, the only reason this might not have come out on DVD this week is the fact that "Lost Boys: The Tribe" hit shelves this week and that HAS to be better than this.